*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set