Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
New menu item
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Buck naked
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD