BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener