Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.