What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?