Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am