me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You know…for fall…
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember