I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.