Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why