Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am