Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.