How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
❤️❤️❤️
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell