Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
a lot to unpack here
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong