Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!