Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
This hospital has everything
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME