No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
i actually laughed 😩
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.