her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Don’t make me out nice you.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges