Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.