*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’