Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Previously On Persistence 😎
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.