and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
You Might Also Like
My kitchen overserved me.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”