I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I want what they have
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment