hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
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me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.