People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Nose
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.