so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.