Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
*power walks to the refrigerator*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
As the Lord intended
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.