My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
#catsoftwitter
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say