Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
what?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
bad news gang
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes