I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Mmmm canned fish.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.