[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.