Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.