Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
You Might Also Like
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
mood
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
“That’s what” – She
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t