vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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I know this now 😂
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
lmao
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you