To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Aight bet
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not