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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain