I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
back to work
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Who.
Did.
This?