[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Poetry is my passion
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.