[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
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[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes