Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”