Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
You Might Also Like
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.