GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
*pronounces fake like saké*
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born