After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Yes, but it was never about money
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Think I pulled my liver
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.