this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
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Somebody call the cops.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
it is time once again
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?