I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people