“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can