Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I only treason on days ending in y
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.