The 5 signs of laziness
1.
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
i hate you platonically
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long