i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
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Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume