Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Good morning y’all ☀️
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.