Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Lol.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: